I want to walk on stilts...naked
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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