Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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