I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
