In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
