i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
