So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
