normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
