I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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