...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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