Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
