Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
