Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
