I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
