FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
