Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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