okay pat passed out under dana's car
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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