I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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