I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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