Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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