Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
