Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
