Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
