You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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