I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize