My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
