highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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