while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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