I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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