In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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