I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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