I love black thongs
wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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