I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
