You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
