Will you blow on my dice?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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