I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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