how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
