I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Blood and glitter go together right?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
