I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
