If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to calm my uterus...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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