pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
