If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
