I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
