You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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