What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
