left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
