Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
