i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
