No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
