I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
