he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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