he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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