Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize