Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
