You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
