dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
