make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
