no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
