Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
