I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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