matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
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