i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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