dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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